


The Dos and Don'ts of Attercops

by Kiiratam



Series: Attercops [2]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Dark Elves, Drow, F/F, F/M, In-Universe Document, M/M, Multi, Police Procedural, Recreational Drug Use, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 11:48:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17202875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiiratam/pseuds/Kiiratam
Summary: An instructive pamphlet authored by Captain Nersi Trow of the 34th Precinct of Nordunartigstadt, outlining acceptable and unacceptable behavior in the workplace.





	The Dos and Don'ts of Attercops

**Fundamentals**  
_Drowsky_ is a male of common birth. This results in, and is reflected by, his general inferiority.  
_O'Lolth_ is a female born to low nobility. Her superiority is obvious, but I'll spell it out for you jabbering dwarf-fondlers.

* * *

 

 **Personal Hygiene**  
_Drowsky_ scours himself clean with cantrips when at his desk,and drenches himself in cheap cologne to make up the difference. He only goes to the public baths for anonymous anal sex in the tepidarium.  
_O'Lolth_ doesn't wear perfume, because it could contaminate a crime scene. She attends the public baths regularly, and takes the opportunity to network while she's there, reinforcing those contacts with sexual favors.

* * *

 

 **Proper Use and Upkeep of Equipment**  
_Drowsky_ shuns use of his web-shooter, except as an aid to impromptu bondage situations. Instead, he uses magic to kill or cripple suspects. He has lost seven web-shooters to date, each in more improbable circumstances. The latest pair was, and I quote his abortion of a report here, "Dun got gobbled off mi arm bi a moste hiddeousos breast, 3 metres tall, et& with sharpous and dangerous pointious teef (ious)." What does that even fucking mean, you illiterate fuck? Drowsky does not keep the requisite three full vials of web fluid, and what he does carry is well past its issue date, and is undoubtedly stale.  
_O'Lolth_ is quick with her web-shooter, always ready to leave a webbed suspect for the common beating cops to formally arrest and process. She still has the web-shooter she was first issued, and has paid (out of personal funds) to enhance it with dweomers of accuracy and enhanced stickiness. O'Lolth keeps extra web fluid on hand, and always fills out the necessary requisition forms.

* * *

 

 **Conduct towards Fellow Attercops**  
_Drowsky_ is abrasive, unprofessional,and insubordinate. He is abusive towards his lessers, but that doesn't excuse his deplorable conduct towards his peers and, more importantly, his betters. Drowsky is always ready to question his orders, trying to divine the root cause, and doing his own thinking, instead of acting as a meat puppet with sharply limited autonomy. He flagrantly disregards the rules against fraternization in the ranks, having had no fewer than seventeen liaisons within the precinct.  
_O'Lolth_ is polite, but firm and perky. She is quick to understand orders, stated and unstated, and will act in anticipation of orders. She is willing to admit fault, and will offer recompense in the form of outstanding cunnilingus.

* * *

 

 **Use of Carriages and Riding Beasts**  
_Drowsky_ drives like a maniac, without a care to who or what is in his way. He arrives at his destination with alacrity, but without concern for the state of his transportation. The precinct has yet to receive a mount or vehicle back in the condition it was issued in.  
_O'Lolth_ makes sure that there's no one important in her way, then drives with all due haste. She returns her vehicles and spiders in top condition, or steals ones in top condition and returns those. She either makes Drowsky return damaged ones, or sells them to the junkers, pocketing the profits.

* * *

 

 **Paperwork**  
_Drowsky_ returns paperwork that has been used as a condom, napkin, or handkerchief (or, rarely, all three). His handwriting is barely illegible at best, words are poorly and inconsistently spelled, and some details are obvious fabrications. 'On time' is a concept of which he has little-to-no understanding.  
_O'Lolth_ turns in her paperwork on time, keeps duplicates for her own records, and colour-codes her reports. I can't be sure, but I think she uses subtly scented paper when she wants to draw my attention. Her fabrications are substantiated, and she will bribe witnesses to corroborate her story.

* * *

 

 **Concerning the Media**  
_Drowsky_ will sell.details of ongoing investigations to scyers and heralds, and use the money to buy drugs and prostitutes for himself.  
_O'Lolth_ will give away choice bits of information on ongoing investigations, details carefully calculated to mislead reporters. She then offers to sell them additional context at egregious prices, and uses the money to buy drugs and prostitutes for the entire precinct-house.

* * *

 

 **Betrayals**  
_Drowsky_ perpetrates constant petty betrayals: he says he'll bring stimulants to the meeting, but instead brings psychotropics. He swears that he'll reciprocate oral sex. He steals cases from his fellow detectives to meet quota.  
_O'Lolth_ hasn't betrayed anyone to my knowledge. This terrifies me. Either she's somehow deficient in that respect (and what a defect that would be - a crack in the foundation of a marble statue, a dagger that breaks when you backstab, a spell that neglects to take the Shushane Variable into account), or she's playing the long game. Any information leading to the uncovering of her conspiracy against me will be richly rewarded. Joining the conspiracy against me will be harshly punished.


End file.
